Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I Get Clean

Here's my last post for the month.

And, perhaps, year.

Not necessarily because I have stuff to do, no, I'm just the world's most boring human being. You would think a twenty year old living away from house and home would be more fun.

You would also be wrong. Sorry.

But I'm moving out, to a location still unknown-because I am also the world's worst (or best?) procrastinator. I have three days.

Moving on, in three days I will no longer have to go to the gym to take my showers.

For the past three months I have had to drive over to the gym every time I want to get sparkly clean-which is often, because I am a sweaty man. Going a day without a shower is like, I don't know, a more stinky man than usual. Just make up your own joke with that last sentence, it's too early for me.

Back to me being naked and soaping myself...

Since my roommate is a cheap, cheap bastard, the house I reside in lost hot water, heat, internet, cable, and then water all together. Out of that, I got water back. So I can take cold showers if I want.

If I was crazy.

So I decided I would tell you about my shower experience.

Naked men. All over. Some just finishing their workout, some just about to begin, and the rest just naked, being creepy. And people act differently about their nakedness. Half of the people quickly dry and dress, not wanting their giblets hanging out any longer than need be. The other half basking in their birthday suits, fearlessly exploring the small locker room.

I'm the latter half. But I don't sit down on the benches when I'm naked. Because I respect benches.

So I pick my locker out, and throw my shoes inside. What helps me choose a locker is if people have already chosen said locker, but have not put a padlock on it, thus, ceasing to be a locker, just a cubby.

If you're one of those people, fuck you.

So I throw my junk into the locker (not all of my junk, mind you), and wrap myself in a towel. The towels are white and scratchy, and they are too short, so I'm all popping out all over the place, Beyoncé style.

Is that her real name?

So it takes me a good moment to get myself wrapped up good. Once done, I walk to the showers. Sometimes I slip on the slippery floor in front of the showers. I'd feel a lot more embarrassed about it if there were ladies around. There being none (usually), I don't really mind it. It's kind of exhilarating, actually, because the only people who see my fall right on my ass are other dudes who have done the same thing.

Then I shower. Fantastic. Nothing special there, just bags of body wash put in dispensers, it squirts out like soap would when you were washing your hands. I say this because, by three months, maybe I would have brought my own shampoo or something, but I don't, just the generic wash.

Sometimes I get the empty dispensers, though.

That's no good.

Usually, that's about it. Then I get dressed. Sometimes, that's all I do. You may think to yourself, "yeah, that's all people do in showers".

Right, but remember I'm in the gym. And what I mean when I say 'sometimes that's all I do', I mean that sometimes I show up at the gym just for a shower. A soap and split. So the people at the front desk think I work out super fast and then go, spending fifteen to twenty minutes in the gym per visit.

Nope! Sometimes I actually do work out. And I shower after that, too.

Here's a fact about showering I just made up.

Did you know women spend fifteen minutes longer in the shower than men? Even more, when you're already late. I don't know why it takes my lady so long to get ready, she's so darn pretty.

So there you have it, you probably know way too much about me showering now, but you can talk about it with your friends.

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